I spent a summer during college working as an aide in a summer school program for developmentally delayed pre-schoolers. Their issues ranged from Austism spectrum disorders (from PDD to much more severe variants) to Downs Syndrome to other unspecified delays.
This was simultaneously the hardest and most rewarding summer of my early working life. I spent most of my time working one-on-one with a cherubic little boy with white-blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Chronologically, he was three, but his delays set him back at least two years, and I found myself changing diapers, holding his hands while he learned to walk, and helping him learn to feed himself small bites of food with his fingers. I loved our time together, and was extraordinarily proud when he was walking unassisted around the classroom by summer's end.
The challenge came in seeing the obstacles faced by all the children in the room, particularly those with spectrum disorders. They struggled so much just to communicate - one little girl couldn't even look a person in the eye, an essential communication tool that is frequently lost on those children. For many of them, their frustration-induced tantrums were epic, and frequently frightening. Several wore helmets to protect their small, developing skulls from the hard tile floor when they threw themselves violently backwards during a freak-out. It was so hard to witness, and to stand helpelssly by while these children turned themselves upside down and inside out due to their anger.
That summer taught me a lot, but it also made me nervous. Would I be strong enough if I were to ever have a child with one of these disorders?
Perhaps I was doing myself a disservice. Now that I have Zoe, I know that I could and would love her and care for her through anything.
But still, I was afraid. When I first became pregnant in 2008, it was at the height of the autism/vaccine link discussion, and I considered not vaccinating my baby, at least until her little body was big enough to process all the potential toxins hiding in the vaccines. I considered possibly allowing her to be exposed to other life-threatening illnesses (measles, rubella, hepatitis), all in the name of increasing her odds against autism.
So imagine my dismay, my outright fury, when I read today that Andrew Wakefield's original study linking the two was a deliberate, elaborate hoax. It was frustrating enough when the study was debunked last year, but I accepted that mistakes are made. Now I read it was deliberately false? Are you kidding me?
I am furious! To think that I considered putting my child in harm's way, just because this "doctor" claimed that the vaccines themselves were inherently dangerous?
How can parents make informed, education decisions for their children when major studies can so easily be a hoax? People have based decisions on this man's claims, and perhaps their children have gotten sick because of it.
Now, I don't doubt that there are many other arguments to be made both for and against vaccinating children, but this exact study was the basis for my own confusion and questioning. So I am angry.
And I am also very grateful to Zoe's pediatrician who, when I quoted stats from that very study to him one day while questioning the need for vaccination, pointed out very gently and firmly (though he had surely been faced with the same question hundreds, if not thousands, of times already) that it was only one study, that the ingredient that could have *possibly* been at issue was removed from all vaccines, and that other studies proved no such link. I proceeded with Zoe's vaccinations, and I'm so glad I did. Because if I'd decided not to, based on the fear-mongering of Andrew Wakefield, it's a decision I would now be deeply regretting.
Having said all of that, if you are interested in the learning more about kids with spectrum(ish) diagnoses, I encourage you to check out these two blogs that I love. I admire these women, love hearing about their children, and hope that, if the shoe were on my foot, I would be as great a mom as they both are.
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