Struggles, struggles...

Sigh. It's been a crazy week. Zoe has a bad cold/cough, so sleep has been really hard to come by for the past handful of nights. I'm tired, for sure, but I'm watching the end of a CRAZY bowl game (UNC/Tennessee), and I had coffee this afternoon, so I doubt I'd sleep anyway were I to try to go to bed. So I thought, while I sit and watch this craziness on TV, I'd share a couple of things with which I've been struggling lately.

And by struggling, I do mean spending altogether too much time wasting thoughts about these two completely random topics.

1. So. Michael Vick, eh? Really? Really? I don't know. I don't like to hold grudges, and I think I'm all about second chances, but something about Michael Vick in the NFL this year has made me a little sick. Charles tells me he's done his time and taken his lumps, but in any other sector of the world economy, a felon who is responsible for the deaths of countless animals would not be making millions of dollars, getting to star in the one-man-show that's been Philadelphia football this year, and being given the opportunity to be a role model for countless boys and girls around the world. But then...which system is wrong? The regular system in which a felon is essentially going to struggle for the rest of his life? Or this system in which someone is really, truly given a second chance?

I don't know what's right, but I do know that, as amazing as Vick has played this year, I still don't like watching him, and I'm conflicted about how the NFL is treating him. Any time I see him play, I want to go pet my dogs and tell them I'm sorry.

2. And...I can't zip up my wedding dress, and we're about a month shy of my fifth anniversary. It's just a few inches from the top that won't zip (stupid boobs!), and I could try to convince myself that my back has broadened a bit from five more years of yoga and push-ups, but really, it's tight everywhere. And as much as I know I had a baby two (almost three) years ago, and as much as I always knew that would change how I look...it still pisses me off. I want to still be young and skinny.

I know the things I need to do to get skinny again, but here's the problem. I love food. I love red wine. I love coffee. I love cheese. And chocolate...oh, chocolate, how you torture me with your very existence. In fact, I feel sometimes like I love all the things that I should not consume in order to get back down to a size 4.

And so, should I give up the things I love (which I really don't consume in any great excess...except maybe chocolate)? In the past few years, I've already completely given up on fast food, most meats that I cannot trace back to a humane farm, and I've taken up eating many, many more fruits and vegetables. I run a lot (when stupid toe injuries haven't sidelined me for a WHOLE WEEK), I do yoga, I stretch and lift weights. It's really more about what I consume, not what I do.

Or should I just accept my new shape, learn to love it, give up any and all hopes of ever looking anywhere near as good as Natalie Portman (hey - a girl has to dream, right??)?

Or is there some compromise I don't know yet? I'll keep exploring.

Because for now, I can't do either.

I'm so conflicted tonight. Maybe I should go to bed. Oh - and by the way, UNC won! Go 'Heels!!!